The Wiener Rule (for Songwriters)

If you’re going to write a hit song, do not include the word “wiener.”

Be truthful, dear reader, did you expect such helpful advice in a free ukulele newsletter?

Chuck Berry is one of my all-time fave musicians. It’s safe to say he is truly the father of rock-n-roll, whose sound is instantly recognizable even today. I’ll bet a typical 10-year-old of today could at least hum along knowledgeably to “Johnny B. Goode.”

Besides being a rocker, he is considered to be a poet for his lyrics that talked about American teenager-hood beyond mooning, crooning, and spooning.

But beware.

On the flip-side of one his hit 45s (grown-ups, please explain to the kids), is a song called “You Two.”

It’s here (and it’s pretty catchy) if you care to give it a listen:

It’s a jazzy little number about “we two” who are going to pick up their friends, “you two,” and create the “cozy clan of four.”

They’re going to go camping.

CAMPING!

In a rock-n-roll song.

Something is wrong already.

But, ok, let’s keep an open mind. They’re going to sit by the fire and enjoy some “jazzy sounds,” so maybe, just maybe, we can accept the premise. It’s not rock-n-roll, but “jazzy sounds” — at least it’s music, right?

But.

Chuck goes on to describe the rest of an out-door camping party spent with the Father of Rock-n-Roll:

“You two roast the wieners / and we’ll toast the buns…”

Oh, Chuck.

Oh.

Chuck.

Now, I don’t know if there are ANY foods that can be safely mentioned in a rock-n-roll song.

Drinks are ok. No problem with drinks.

But most foods…

• Flank steak.
• Corn.
• Giblets.
• Flapjacks.

None of these work.

And worst of all:

• Wieners.

Trust me.

Songwriters, if you want your song to do better than the flip-side of a 45, leave out the wieners.